Things have been bad lately.
I’m doing the thing. The thing that everyone says happens at some point while you’re in Japan. The weird part is, I didn’t realize I was doing the thing. It took another JET to point it out.
I was just having a bad day—a bad couple of hours, really. That’s all it took, and suddenly every small thing I was worried about was right in front of me. Like I was in a head-on collision; the air bag explodes and presses against me, surrounding me with all my doubts, concerns, fears, and a sharp sense of just wanting to run away.
All of that while I sat quietly at my bare desk, waiting for 4:30 to come around.
After what felt like an eternity I finally left for the day, and called the aforementioned JET to vent. I talked about how “meh” I felt, complained about my filthy apartment and how I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. About how all I seem to able to do lately is shut off my lights and watch Criminal Minds while bottles and plates form a shame orbit around my floor chair. How I feel like a failure for not being able to take care of myself.
She said, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re a little depressed. Even if you don’t realize it.”
And to be honest, I hadn’t.
I’ve had some back luck lately. I managed to pop my tire in front of my junior high during undokai, resulting in both embarrassment and frustration with the communication barrier. When they fixed my tire they didn’t tell me the parking brake was on (I rarely use it myself), and I couldn’t read the manual to figure out what ( ! ) light meant. It was a few days before my brakes started to give out and I took it in only for the mechanic to give me that, “Silly gaijin, how could you be so stupid?,” look.
So, it’s there. The thing. I’m trying to remind myself that there is so much more good than bad in my life right now. I have good friends, both here and in America, I’m going places and seeing things, and I’ve even made Halloween plans.
I don’t usually write long rants like this so I apologize for the TL;DR nature of this post.
IN CONCLUSION, I see the thing. And knowing is half the battle, right?